| Brain down. |
[Nov. 13th, 2005|11:00 am] |
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SO. This LJ has not been used for journaling for quite some time, and this is the last entry on my main page. I am going to be using this LJ only to keep up with the communities that I am a part of, which I still actively participate in on an almost every-other-day basis. The regular journaling has been and will be taken care of by my MySpace page, which is www.myspace.com/laynepaige. So if anyone gives a flying fuck about my written thoughts, that's the place to go. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 7th, 2005|05:28 pm] |
A month is gone, and this withered spring is spent in an odd state, as if the world is very small and I can observe all of its happenings and walk its circumference in a few steps. I feel very tall, and very alone. My feet are stuck here on the ground, but my head is forever in the stars, miles and miles high. Never want to come down. Not as far as I can see, anyway. So very alone. Music soothes my soul; rock and roll makes me feel alive. It calms and intensifies my restlessness all at once. I am auditioning for a band this Saturday. I have many ideas for originals and hope that is the direction they want to go in. The drummer's idol is John Bonham, so we're off to a good start as far as I'm concerned. I think... I think I might come down and really be here for that. I so rarely want to be right where I am. I work and work and have nothing to show for it, and I'm supposed to be happy with it because that's life, that's what everybody else has to do, too. Fuck that. I've got half a mind to just wait for my tax return and one more paycheck, liberate myself of all my worldly possessions save one guitar, a few clothes, some music and a whole lotta weed, and take off really, really far away with an achin' in mah heart. Don't really know what's stopping me. Thought it was lonliness... but upon yet another archaeological digging thru my thoughts and feelings I've unearthed I'm pretty damn lonely right where I am. How long do I say here, wishing and hoping for a love that might never come? For a band that might never be here? I could find SUCH beauty right where I am, and I DO, when I can.
But I'm often tired, and lonesome. There's so very much I want to say, and no one to hear it. So very much I want to give. Flesh and bone and heart and soul are worth more by far than any amount of money or social position in the Universe. But who will hear my songs when I sing them? Who will I write poems for, and read to? Will anyone hold them dear? Who will believe in me... whose faith will I hold... where do I go, what do I do, when do I leave? When will I really want to be were I am? Want, need, want, need, question, protest, drown in dreaming. Wander, run, search, fight, wonder, shun, restless, spite. Remember, forgive, accept, deny, love, rest, try, try, try. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 19th, 2005|02:49 pm] |
Well, it's late, but...
happy Burthday, Billy. Rock on. (and on and on.) |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 7th, 2005|06:52 pm] |
I feel so ready to EXPLODE. I feel so ready to ROCK... so filled with inspiration and ideas. I feel so ready to LOVE, totally electric with desire. Strange. I'm not anywhere at all, yet. No place to live. No band. No one holding out their hands to receive my huge and pulsing heart. No one to hear my whispers, to feel my soul thru my arms. No way to echo outward the many vivid dreams that swirl and beat inside my skull when I sleep. But the WANT is so there. The READINESS to rock, to put my SOUL into music; to scrape those strings and hammer those notes and sing and shake. The readiness to LOVE, to give and to receive what is in all of its complexities ultimately amazingly simple to even the semi-enlightened spirit. I am READY, and I am WAITING.
Way down there is a fear, dense; tiny but leaden like a marble of dark matter in the pit of my belly. But it is small and controllable now. It is the fear that I will never be brought into being. Never be given my chance, like a bulb that is never planted. A rocket that is never launched. I know time can help that dark matter swell... too much waiting, too much trying with nothing to show for it but the ache of straining frozen limbs. And even though right now I am trying to convince myself that I am WAITING for something that is SURE to come to me if I pray hard enough... even though I fancy I can feel something moving towards me on the wind, I know that black spot is still there, and that it could grow. But I am in NO way disheartened yet. NO way. I am ALIVE. For now, I am an atom bomb. And I am ready. KA-BOOM.
"I feel like a wet seed, wild in the hot blind earth." |
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| Drown |
[Feb. 17th, 2005|09:32 pm] |
No matter where you are,
I can still hear you when you drown.
You've traveled very far
Just to see if I'd come around
When I'm down.
All of those yesterdays
Coming down.
No matter where you are,
I can still hear you when you dream.
You traveled very far
You traveled far, like a star;
And you are.
All of those yesterdays
Coming down.
Is it something someone said?
Was it something someone said?
Yesterday the sky was you,
And I still feel the same.
Nothing left for me to do...
And I still feel the same.
I wish, I wish I could fly.
I wish, I wish I could lie!
I will, I will TRY.
I will, I will...
Goodbye. |
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| Insight |
[Feb. 2nd, 2005|12:20 pm] |
I've met a person who wants to start a band, and get pretty serious with it. We're going to start meeting to write songs. I've got a new bowl, yet to be named. Starla sounds good. But I'm still thinking. Got all my shit out of the apartment. Job is going well. Car is fixed (but towed away today... I guess of all the cars parked on the side of the road the only one they wanted to take was mine, though my parking was no more of a violation than anyone else's). Staying at parent's house, but in Manchester most of the week to avoid the long trip to work. My inspiration is soaring. My heart is overflowing. But there is still a giant hole in my core. But I'm TRYING.
This is an insight
Into my life
This is a strange flight
I'm taking
My true will
Carries me along
This is a soul dance
Embracing me
This is the first chance
To put things right
Moving on
Guided by the light
And the spirit of love
Is rising within me
Talking to you now
Telling you clearly:
The fire still burns
Wisdom of ages
Rush over me
Heighten my senses
Enlighten me
Lead me on
Eternally
And the spirit of love
Is rising within me
Talking to you now
Telling you clearly
The fire still burns
I'm talking to you, now:
The fire still burns.
Whatever you do now,
You've got to give love
The world still turns
I'm talking to you, now. -DM |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 12th, 2005|05:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  numb | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "High Hopes" Pink Floyd | ] |
An update, I guess. There have been (and will be) alot of changes. The first one being that my job is no longer going be helping ignorant bastards feel better about buying shit they don't need. I'm going to make fake teeth in a dental lab, Monday thru Friday, 7:30am-4pm. Which thoroughly accomodates my current monetary needs as well as my karate schedule. I also have every weekend off for the rest of FOREVER to do whatever the hell my heart desires. I can have a band, of which Timmah has so nobly volunteered. I can sculpt. I've had a million ideas.
But my car is broken. My brake lines burst going down a hill. Why I'm still here to write this I don't know. But no serious damage was done to it; a couple of hundred bucks and some time and the Heavy Metal Machine will be better than ever.
Lost my purse. My license, s.s. card, debit card, account numbers, important phone numbers and little poetic bursts of information all gone, long gone. That too, with some money and time, can be fixed.
I've had to quit karate for a month because I'll have no car or money for about that long. But I'll go back, and I'll get my black belt. I will.
My lease is also up at the end of the month, and I have nothing lined up. Been searching like hell for a roomate. I got nothin. So I've got to move back with my parents for a month until I get my tax return, and possibly (but unlikely) find a roomate. Living out of a suitcase again for the thousandth time in eleven years. Yay. But I'll do it. I'll keep going. Even if I've got to live in one room for $550 a month, eeking thru life from paycheck to paycheck. Which also means I won't be able to take karate, let alone save money for college courses. But I'll do it, if I have to.
The other night, I had a number of enormous revelations. I realized I needed to remember EVERYTHING. I realized everything that had caused me so much sadness and pain for so long... and the very thing that amplified it and made it worse. All the misconceptions, all the compromises I had made in my life... I remembered who I was, and everything I wanted to be. And for the first time in a long, long time, I felt a great weight lifted off my shoulders. For yes, the path is dark, and the path is long, but I had at last caught a glimpse of a WAY OUT... I had found a clue, a mark that I was on the right road. And what perfect timing, with this awesome new job. The TIME, the MONEY... juuuust enough to MAKE it. Now, I could calm down, and enjoy the scenery on my way to the end. No more panicking, feeling lost...
"but I knew exactly where I was
and I knew the meaning of it all,
and I knew the distance to the sun..."
but in the middle of this elysian revelation, at the moment my heart beat anew, and I felt renewed to do what I dream... to BE MYSELF, and to be HAPPY... I lost my best friend. The best friend I've ever had.
I'm not going to lie to feel better about it. No matter how many fucking revelations I've had, I'm still going to remain ever truthful.
Yes, I will sort my life out.
Yes, I will come closer to doing what I dream, and therefore be able to rest a bit, knowing I am on the right road.
But there will not be one hour my heart does not ache, because I've got to make this journey alone, now. And I know when I reach the end, there will be no one to share it with. Can triumph be savored in solitude? If it can, I don't want it to.
It's going to be so very hard making my way to the end of this long road. It's been so LONG, and I've still got so very far to go. It's hard to breathe, it's hard to move. I know every backwards glance will be in hope that someone is running up from behind to join me.
I believe in nothing. I just go. I just walk and walk. And I will make it, I will. I find beauty in nothing, because I cannot see. My lantern is gone, so I'll just have to feel my way along. And I will.
I WILL.
But I sure wish, from the bottom of my heart, that I didn't have to see the end alone. |
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| I hear empire down. |
[Jan. 4th, 2005|09:08 am] |
| [ | music |
| | "Lucretia, My Reflection" The Sisters of Mercy | ] |
When I am pulled awake, I stretch myself out slowly. I soften and still stiff I drag myself out the door. Slam into the glass in slow motion. My skin and clothes go all gray and I feel like a stone statue in the mist. Wet and cold, but tingling, not numb. Inside my core I am alive. My mind is waiting for a safe time to emerge like a snail. Till then I'm on auto-pilot. And auto-pilot HURTS, because when my soul is crammed in the nautilus of my body it presses so hard against the shell and fusses and writhes to get out. Shouldn't have to do that. Shouldn't have to. And way in my head I think of you, and if I concentrate, I can make it all just about go away. The illusion of this world becomes the dream, and reality is that the air is made of music, the low-hanging clouds laden and swollen purple with song, with feeling, with love. Love, rain o'er me! Let it radiate thru me. It's all mine, the cool, breathable air and the smell of wet pavement. I'm gone from my prison. And all I want is you, my ache for you like a velvet dream of skin and darkness and all things heady and fragrant. Only then does my body and soul become one, and then I am alive, am I not? Isn't that what it is to be alive? I've felt only half here my whole life, save once or twice or a hundred times. I don't want to wake up from this dream. I don't want to wake up alone, where the rain is JUST rain and the music is fucking drowned in it. Oh, come to me. Come to me and set me free, make my heart sing. Let me rest, let me really sleep. Let me dream, let me wake up happy. And then I can stand, then I am strong. Come to me. |
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| Metal Christmas |
[Dec. 24th, 2004|05:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | achy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | METAAAALLLLL | ] |
There is this BIG guy with sleek, blonde hair down to his butt who comes in here on occasion. I think he lives in the woods, because he always comes in wearing boots and red-and-black chekered flannel ("Flannel? UGGH! Bad, bad... no good!"). Anyhow, he never says anything to anyone, and no one ever says anything to him. He seems to avoid people in the aisles. He shops for cds and dvds. WELL, I had some metal in the cd changer (rock and roll really does save my life... it REALLY does!), the one Ty made for me well over a year ago... and I put on some Blind Guardian. That guy NEVER comes in my department, but he walked out of his way to go to the source of the music after awhile. He stood there for juuust a moment. I was helping some douchebag, but I knew he was frigging surprised to hear those guys in a retail store. YAY! Music makes the world go 'round, and has saved my life countless times.
"Rock and roll is my religion and my law.
Won't never change. They think it's strange.
You can't kill rock and roll. It's here to STAY." -Ozzy |
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| Merry Fucking Christmas. |
[Dec. 24th, 2004|08:46 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | melancholy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Shitty Christmas Bullshit | ] |
And where am I sending this warm greeting from? OF COURSE. From work. Here from 7:30am - 6pm originally, I awoke this morning to a blinking alarm clock. I got my shit together and ran out to the car. OOooo, a Christmas card wedged in my window! And how festive, it's yellow, and from a member of the Manchester Police Department. Dammit. Shove my key in the lock. It won't fit. The lock is frozen. I got a crazy idea and blew hot air into the lock with my MOUTH. And it worked, surprisingly. Car took a couple of tries to get going. Forgot my employee's access card in the chaos. Got here almost an hour late. God loves me.
And you know what? It is crowded as all hell. These ignorant fucks find nothing sacred, and the entire staff of nearly every retail business must give up their values and their time with their families to accomodate other people's lack thereof. Love it. Corporate America encourages this. It makes me want to scream.
When I get out of work, my dad is coming to pick me up. I am spending the night at my parent's house. I have made a resolution to stick to my belief of the phrase "cast not pearls before swine". It basically means don't show something to someone who won't appreciate it. Don't wrench your soul for those who don't care. And I don't plan to; not anymore. I think I've given it a fair go... over and over trying to please others when all I wanted was to be IMPORTANT, to be WORTH something in their eyes. But that doesn't matter now. There ARE a few people on Earth who consider me to be a valuable, worthwhile human being, and my feelings ARE valid to them. And I am going to devote all of my misdirected care and time and effort their way, because they deserve it, for no other reason than they care about me. My heart has been hurt and ground into the dirt for far too long. So thank you, Sarah, Athena, Greg and Jim, even though none of you know I have this here journal. Thank you for just being compassionate, genuine human beings. |
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